One Step At A Time

I’ve been away for awhile. I’ve been working really hard at a lot of new things in my life. I’ve made plenty discoveries, one of which, is that I have been a very weary traveler; Traveling through a maze of deceit and abuse. I have received verbal and physical injuries along the way. That is my past. My past has been told.

My future is unfolding before me. The nightmares have finally receded to the darkness and shadows of memories better left forgotten. Happily ever after is still eluding me so far, but my contentment is finally here. While I search for a better tomorrow, I have found my way clear of the chaos today. I now exist for the peace in my existence at last.

I have taken the steps needed to change with my ever changing world. First step, was getting out of the abusive relationship. It was an endeavor that I’ve come to realize should’ve been done long ago. I can see that so clearly now. I should’ve been able to escape the clutches of evil he laid out as my path through life. Instead, I relied on the elusive images of someone I thought was there with me, but never really was.

My next step led me to the Haven, a safe place of understanding. A place where his lies could unfold to become my truths once again. For me, and the other weary travelers that meet there, we have found acceptance. This helped me to see that I was never really as alone as he always wanted me to feel. I got to express my pains and sorrows with no judgements brought against me.

In doing this, I then found the power to take many more steps. The steps that led me to the rediscovery of the person I always knew I should be. I am no longer a no one. I am just as real as everyone else. My feelings matter too. I am no longer overpowered by the memory of his abusive words and actions. They no longer control my every waking moment.

I had to dredge up the courage and strength in myself, which I thought had deserted me long ago, to overcome his powers. Stepping over many obstacles in my way. While I was re-polishing my self esteem, it helped me find a calmer path back to my self worth. In doing this, I was able to regain my dignity, which until now, had felt shredded.

But through all of the twists and turns I have traveled, I have finally found my way cleared of the destruction of us. I have rejoined the real world. I am functioning more freely. The understanding of the how’s and the why’s no longer mattered. By leaving behind this maze, I have realized, he no longer has power over me.

I have become a lighter traveler with simpler steps. My spirits have been lifted. Free laughter and kindness has found me once again. I no longer live in the fears of what might happen. Things happen or they don’t. My clouds of darkness are gone, no longer shrouded in their shadows.

I have reentered the sunlight, and its warmth is touching my soul. My heart, that at one time felt frozen, was only felt when racing to the end of us. I feel it now, beating the normal rhythm of life. I have stepped back into my life. I am reclaiming it. I own it. I deserve the rewards of it. I’ve earned it all, and all it took was one step at a time.

 

My Cup Runneth Over

For quite some time, I was waiting for good to come into my life. I was stuck in a world of negative unhappiness. It was a prison created by him, that I allowed to hold me as captive. In my cell, it was just so hard for me to see or even feel anything good. While goodness did exist, I was just too blind with fear to experience it as it should have been.

I am truly sorry for this. As I continue to reflect on my past life, I have come to realize that I have been a cup half empty kind of person. By my always looking back in my life, I only allowed myself to see and feel the pains and sorrows of it. I know now that I was simply looking in the wrong spaces of my mind, but it was something I had to do.

To aide me in the building of a better future. I have to explore and discover all the good that existed there. I’ve needed to clean out the ugly things said and done to me, so that I could see the moments of goodness that did exist in my life. I am simply a new beginning with things that I am proud of.

No matter how bad things may have gotten, I never turned to chemical dependency to aide me. No matter how much evil was spewed at me, I continued to desire good in life. I may have had to build a wall of protection around my heart, but I have the choice of letting it come down. It isn’t a lifetime sentence. I never envied what others seemed to have.

I just knew in my heart that we should have done better, been better. I may have felt like a very lonely person, but I know now I was never really alone. I have been given an opportunity to change my world for the better. The ugliness and sorrows can change with the flick of my wrist. The words that flow through my life are changing to happy, content, inspiring, praise and love because I am responsible for me.

While this may not seem like a big thing to some, to me, it’s almost everything. Now as I look back, I see things differently. For example, my son was hit by two trucks, but he survived. My mother passed away, but she lived a long and beautiful life. She left me with wonderful memories of her love and kindness and instilled in me good lessons.

Lessons I will carry with me always. My world as I knew it ended in what felt like the blink of an eye. It has opened a whole new world for me to explore. Things have gotten tougher to handle, but I am handling them with my strengths and courage. While at the time, I felt these were bad things happening, I now understand that everything had a good outcome.

I will carry these experiences in my heart with the understanding that it could have been worse. My cup of life no longer feels half empty. It feels half full, and I hope to continue to fill it with even more happy experiences and memories until my cup runneth over.

Isn’t Life Funny?

Life is a funny thing. Not “ha-ha” funny, but the ironic way it seems to turn out. I wasn’t prepared for the life I’ve lived, but I seem to be getting through it. The similarities between the family of my childhood and that of the family I have now are that they are both large families and as of now, like then, financially poor.

The differences are so many that it would take a whole page to fill. I guess the biggest difference that I can see so clearly now, is that there was love in my childhood. My parents loved and respected each other. They spoke often, sometimes in French, usually when they didn’t want us to understand what was being said between them.

The point is, that they communicated. Now that the constant state of confusion and my continued defense mechanisms have been turned off, it’s like I can think about and see in my mind all that I endured. I now wonder, how did I let myself live that way for so long? I am finally free from the constant accusations.

I find myself thinking about other people’s lives when they talk to me. I’m trying to not just hear them, but to feel what they are conveying to me in speech. The pride, when they share things about their family. Their frustrations. Their happiness, and their confusions.

This really helped me to open my own eyes. Being apart of a broader society has helped me to feel more for others. I am now discovering many differences in myself. Like the simpleness of being tired. It’s like it’s a good kind, I earned it. Stress is also different for me. It doesn’t hurt the way the stress did before. I am dealing with the changes and finally feel whole.

It’s me now, doing things my way. I have finally begun to live a life, a life for me. Although I’m working harder, dealing with more of everything, yet have a lot less of everything, I feel richer than ever before. I have found my strength in the destruction of my world.

So I say again, isn’t life funny?

 

The Real World

Turn your can’ts into cans and your dreams into plans.

I was often told by he who shall remain nameless, that I didn’t live in the real world. It was implied that the real world is a harsh, uncaring, troubled place. This made me afraid to join society. I practically became almost a recluse. I never wanted to go anywhere or do anything alone, but alone was all I ever had. Except for my children, that is, until they obtained their own outside lives.

I’ve always had to literally force myself to do anything. Mental pushes, feelings of dread, but I did them. Today, I am out there. I am existing in the outside world. Being there, I have now had the opportunity to meet a lot of new people. In doing this, I have finally realized that I was conditioned to be afraid.

Conditioned to feel useless and defenseless. I now know, it wasn’t the outside world that I should have been afraid of, it was the barer of that fear. I can’t honestly say that all people are kind and friendly. After all, I haven’t met everyone, but I can say honestly, that I haven’t come across anyone that’s been deliberately unkind or disrespectful to me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that in this world, there’s a huge diversity of people, and it’s all in the who and how you deal with them that matters. If I had been allowed to stay hidden from the outside world, I never would have found this out, but because I have, I now have a new and very welcome sense of peace.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very afraid, but I fight that fear everyday. Still, I have a lot of excess baggage from my past to dispose of. I do this now with a tiny bit more strength and courage. When I meet someone new, I don’t feel the need to run away and hide anymore.

If a man talks to me, I no longer feel a sudden sense of dread because I don’t have to worry about the accusations anymore. I’m not doing anything wrong. Men are people too. I like talking and listening to everyone. Even those that are sometimes in a bad mood. I mean, don’t we all have those days and sometimes we just wish someone would listen to us?

Well I guess I will close with this: I lived in an abusive world of lies, hitting, cheating, and downgrading. I was very unhappy and never felt liked or loved. I am now living in a world of new people and possibilities. Not once have I been lied to, hit on, cheated or downgraded. I have also come to realize that I am liked by many and loved by others that truly matter.

Although it is still hard for me to walk among you, I am doing so. I am the one with hope in her heart in the real world.

Hello Again

    I have been taking a little time away from my writing to regroup. I felt that it would give me a broader perspective while trying to find myself, and it has. I am no longer lost in the past. I have begun to rediscover my likes and loves. I’ve had to make a lot of necessary changes in my life. The most drastic for me was finding a job. I now have two of them.

For the first time in my life, I am in complete charge of me. I finally feel truly free from the abusive life I have lived. This has given me confidence and self esteem. Two things I struggled to obtain. During the last two years of accident, death, separation, divorce and a wedding, I felt like he was still a part of my existence. It was like, in a way, he still maintained control.

By my changing of everything, I hadn’t gotten away, I only became better hidden from his abusive lies and criticisms. By supporting myself, I found the pains of my past were not going to destroy me; The scars I will carry with me as a constant reminder of what I don’t want in my life. When I started this change, it was very slow in coming, but come it did.

I didn’t realize how much of me would have to change with it. It could be terrifying at times. The daily struggle often felt unbearable, but bare it I have. I have learned to exist in a bigger, fuller world, and in a better state of mind. It’s simply so much more than I expected.

My body, for one, is screaming at me daily. It’s letting me know that I have neglected it for too long, and it’s not happy being disturbed at my age. It seems to be making sure I pay for that mistake. Oh well. I am hoping we can come to terms with each other very soon. In the mean time, this pain, I can live with. For it will leave no lasting scars behind.

I have had a lot of interesting things happening for me. I’m making new friends, discovering my self worth, finding skills I never knew I had, and I have a beautiful new grandchild that I can’t wait to meet. Unfortunately, I could not be with my daughter, but she proved her strength. I’m so proud of her.

I’ve also realized, that I am a people person. I enjoy every aspect of it. I have also come to realize, that although the world is a scary place on the outside, I look past myself to see the bigger picture of it, and I am conquering my fears. Every one of us is different. Some have to struggle hard, while others seem to breeze through life. I guess it’s all about how you look at things.

I mean, is it real, or is it just our real? I think my struggle of becoming independent for the first time in my life, is the bravest and best thing I’ve ever done. I now know that my past is just that, my past. It’s over, gone, no longer my life. My present is here, and I am surviving it. My future is out there waiting for me. My world may have been turned upside down, but the view is so much better from here.

So I would just like to say, hello again. It’s just me, and I’m okay with that.

Just Me

Some people have told me that I should write a book. I would jokingly reply, one event in my life could be a book. My truth is simple. I have never thought of my writings in that way. I have also had my writings compared to fantasy and soap operas. I guess in a way that could be closer to the truth.

It has been filled with bits and pieces of everything. Too much bad and sadness though, not enough good and happiness to balance it out. When I started writing about my life, it was my form of therapy. Something that was mine and mine alone. There were no blogs or tweets, no Facebooks to be found, or even computers for that matter.

Still today, I write as I always have done. Me alone with my trusty pen and paper. I have no spellcheck or auto-correct. The truth is, I can’t even type. I have had my daughter do it for me. Who for which, I am truly grateful. I just have the ink that flows from my pen, along with my memories and no ending yet.

Through the years, I felt as I wrote that I could release any hurt or anger that I felt without causing additional damage to an already messed up situation. By doing this, I thought I was escaping, leaving it all behind. I was wrong. I have been recording and replaying it over and over again.

When I started this blog, I needed to feel empowered. I wanted others in similar situations to know that we are not alone. I wanted to show my world, that the persons they thought they knew, don’t really exist. I wished to enlighten people about what it feels like on the inside, for someone to live the life of an abuse victim.

Instead, I learned. I learned that I am not alone, and that there are help centers around the world. We just have to be brave enough to look for them. I’ve realized that I was his enabler. It has always been up to me to end us. With the breaking of my cycle of abuse, I have allowed myself to grow as a person.

Maybe someday I will be courageous enough to write a book about everything. With all of the ugly details and truths included. For now, I have decided to rejoin the human race. I am standing alone in this great big world, but I am doing so straight and proud. I choose to believe in myself.

I am no longer simply his punching bag or the dartboard for his verbal abuse. I am a productive member of society with friends and co-workers. So while I continue on my road of self discovery, I have decided to take some time for myself. With that being said, I would like to say, thanks for following and supporting me.

Until we read again, take care being you, and I’ll be just me.

 

Chapter 6: My Journey

On the journey of my rediscovery, I have had many people tell me what I should do. Some have told me what I must do. Others have implied that I’m not doing enough. While the more helpful, have simply made suggestions. My response is this.

I have traveled through life for a long time now. My travels have not always been smooth sailing. The words that define my life flow through my mind, like the ever changing oceans. They are always changing with the tide of a new day. It pushes and pulls the scenes of my past, showing me the hurts I have endured over and over.

This seems to wash away all of the tiny sediments of happiness. Like the finest grains of sand, the tides wash them in and just as quickly pull them away from me. Sometimes, it can drown me in the shadows of sadness. As I continue to fight against my current situation, it pulls me down into its murky depths.

Everyday, I try really hard to reset my course to a calmer existence. Just staying afloat sometimes feels impossible because of the turbulence swells that have occurred. On my clear days, I can almost see a horizon of my future happiness. It comes to me with no promises. It leads me to believe that I might find my safe harbor.

Does a place of safety ever exist for long? Can one be obtained for an eternity? The landscapes I have traveled so far have all been scenes of an illusion. The waters of life that have surrounded me, at times, had a majestic beauty. The crags and boulders that became my distant obstructions, blocked my clear view of a shoreline.

The closer to the shore, the more danger seems to approach me. Beneath the surface of that shoreline, sharp edges try to rip the vessel that carries my life apart. Sometimes, I have to sink or swim. The undertow can become so fierce, I don’t always feel strong enough to fight against it. The crashing waves of sadness always follow.

In this, are the darkest hours of my world. Destruction of me is there. I continue to fight against this. In each new day, I dream of clearer skies. I tell myself, yes, this is the day I will reach my destination. For a small amount of time, the sun breaks through the clouds in my mind. This allows the winds of time to clear away my disillusioned thoughts.

It allows me to sail back to myself, the person I should be. When the winds blow in my favor, my salty tears begin to dry. I am constantly searching for a better compass to show me that I am definitely on the right course. When another storm hits, I have to find guidance in myself.

So, I just pull in my sails and batten down my hatched up ideas and plans. I continue to ride each storm and pray for a safe landing. So until I reach my safe harbor, suggestions are welcomed, demands will be met with resistance, and implications will be ignored.

My suggestion is, just wish me a safe journey.

Defining My Life

I have often wondered how I would define my life. What words would I use? Would any words be adequate? Every life has meaning. What has mine been? As I continue on the search for my self worth, I have come to realize, that I’ve used a lot of words to define my past existence.

So far, its been kind of hard to define me now, so I’ve decided to just mix it up a bit. Let’s see if I can make this work. I’ll start with respect. I’ve heard this word a lot. What is respect? The definition states that its a deep feeling of admiration for someone’s actions. This is something I hope to obtain.

How about relationship? This one I’ve had plenty of, but I simply hear the word abuse when I hear the word relationship. An abusive relationship is when a person is the victim of threats, both physical and psychological. While living in this kind of relationship, I had many words that could define me easily.

Words like desparation, distress, anguish, torment, and misery. I was guided by hopelessness and despair, along with fear, aniexty, shame and guilt tagging along. I didn’t choose these words to define me. I lived with them on and off for the majority of my life because I lived with a narcissist. A narcissist is someone that gets their self-esteem from the way they think they are viewed by others.

He was a taker, never giving anything without demanding payment in return. I was the one to pay. The sarcasm, insults, ridicule, and constant accusations were his way of controlling me. By making me feel like nothing, he could feel like he was everything. I’ve been told that I need to learn to forgive and forget to obtain my peace.

Knowing this, started me thinking. I don’t think I am there yet. I still feel incomplete. In this, the meaning is quite simple. Not having all of the neccessary or appropriate parts. Not yet full, simply unfinished. By a lot of standards, my life would have to be considered pretty full.

As I have been relearning myself, I have come to realize that not all of it was bad. My children and grandchildren have filled me with love and hope. Here’s where the incomplete comes into play. I was married for more than half of my life. I am single now and am learning for the first time how to be independent.

I have to achieve an aspect of self support, both financial and emotional. I also have to figure out a way to leave my past behind without losing myself again. Peace is my goal. I think everyone has their own definition for this word. For me, its simply to be happy. Its being able to share my happiness without him finding a way to chase it away.

And you know what? I’m almost there. I am in control of my life now to be completed in my terms because I am defining me my way.

A New Year

Here we go again. In just a few days we will be watching and waiting. Watching the clocks for that final tick of this year as it comes to a close. For me, it was pretty bad. I won’t say it was horrible because there were a few good moments and pleasant events. Now its onto the waiting. We’re waiting for the new year and whatever that might hold.

The countdown to me, always seemed to start in earnest excitement. Year after year, my expectations for a better tomorrow were high. This year, I don’t want to expect too much. I think I’ll just wait and see. I’ll deal and process with whatever may come. Every year, at the stroke of midnight, time seemed to stand still for me.

As I counted down the seconds that would close another chapter of my past, I patiently waited. For a short time, all of my past days were suspended in time. For one heart beat, it didn’t exist. It simply stopped being. As the minute hand slowly moved on to the new year, everything came back to life again.

Same as last year, boisterous cheering and well wishes will take place somewhere. Fireworks and champagne corks will set to popping. I will just mentally toast myself for surviving yet another year. As I continue to rebuild my life, I am hoping to broaden my existence. I want to meet new people and try a lot of new things.

I now know that I am unable to fix all that has been broken in my life. Maybe I can rebuild them, better and stronger. I have had a lot to deal with, judgements and criticisms. I am learning to accept, learn from or ignore them. I have shed many tears of pain, sorrows and happiness.

Guess what? I didn’t break. I have had to learn to walk alone while I processed my pain. I walk more proudly now. I have come to realize that I am a person that matters too. I think that if I approach this next year with the determination to succeed, maybe my chance for a positive outcome will finally be.

All I can do is try my best. I think, knowing and understanding that I can’t change anything or anyone else but myself is winning half the battle. The other half, I will be starting with this new year. I hope for everyone out there that this will be a Happy New Year.

Right and Wrong

It’s Christmas time again. I guess I could write about all of the wonderful things associated with the holiday season. Everything that ritually occurs each year; the family gatherings, putting up the tree with the tensilly decorations, or the frantic shopping for the perfect gift, just to name a few.

I suppose I could write about the true meaning of Christmas, the birth of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Instead, I think I will share another memory. For a very long time now, there has been a sort of ongoing joke that my children and I have shared. It goes like this, “Momma is always right.” I would tell them that I am never wrong because if I am, I am simply mistaken due to misinformation.

After all, I know everything. They would laugh and immediately set out to prove me wrong. It gave them a sense of triumph when they did prove me wrong about something. When and if they couldn’t, they would use their minds to find the frailty of the truth, my truth. A debate would usually arise from this.

I am sharing this memory because I have something to confess. I loved it. I enjoyed the looks of confusion on their faces when I was right. I enjoyed seeing the look of a challenge and the determination in their eyes when they tried to prove me wrong. Most especially, I loved that they trusted my love for them enough to confront me in this.

It was our safe battlefield. Needless to say, I know I’m not always right, and I know that I don’t know everything. This momma doesn’t always know what is best. Sometimes, my best just wasn’t good enough, but at least I have tried to be my best for them. So while I’m confessing, here is a bit more of my truth.

I have hidden from my world all that I truly am. For I just only lingered in the shadows that were cast by others around me. I have shied away from the bright lights of truth and happiness. Always doubting their existence. I have come to dread the feelings of emptiness inside. I lived in the darkness of evil in fear because it was easier for me.

I watched, but never wanted to see. I listened, but never allowed myself to hear. I thought I was never really important. I felt that I was only ever an ending. My gift to them, I was wrong. Merry Christmas everyone.