The first time I left him, it was because he had hit me and called me a whore. I, like any young girl, ran home to my parents. My mother consoled me. My father told me, “you made your bed, now you have to lie in it.” I returned to my husband the next day.
The next time I left, I had my daughter. He would call me and say he was sorry. He told me our place was with him. I returned to him again.
The third time I left him, we had two small children, and I was carrying our third. He was having an affair. When I found out, like any young woman, I was hurt and angry. He beat me so bad that I had to see a doctor. I had a concussion.
After years of mental abuse, I had to leave again. This time, we had nowhere to go, no money and three children to care for. He told me he didn’t know what he had until he lost it.
The next time I left, was after he was arrested for sexual misconduct with a juvenile. I wanted to believe he wasn’t guilty. I stood by him and defended him. He got away with it. We had our fourth child during this time, but nothing changed.
The fifth time, I told him he had to leave. Again, I had nowhere to go,
no money and three more small children to care for, but he kept coming back. He continued to expect me to take care of his needs and his wants. He was back every day, so I allowed him to come home.
The sixth time I left, I had no choice. He was so messed up with synthetic drugs that he held us prisoner for 3 days and 4 nights. No one was allowed in or out. He wouldn’t let me sleep. He constantly accused me of having sex with little men hiding in our furniture. Furniture, that he would flip over and tear apart to find these so called men.
After another beating I took from him, for allowing our young children out of the house to go to school, I escaped. It was cold. I was in my night clothes, wearing no shoes. Luckily, I had the chance to grab my handbag, which held our car keys. After a week, he started calling me again. This time, I was able to take half our money. I should have taken it all. I thought I was being fair.
After all, he would always tell me that it wasn’t my money. He earned it, I didn’t. Everything I’ve ever done was considered by him as elementary. Even a child could do it. He said he could do it better, but he never tried. I took care of everything and everyone. He contributed a paycheck.
We stayed gone about 3 weeks. He called and asked me to come home to talk. He told me he was off the drugs and that he had sought counseling. He confessed to all of his crimes to everyone he wanted to know. Among them, our young children. This time, when I took him back, a divorce was still in place. It was put on hold for one year. I returned because I felt I had no choice. Our children wanted to go home. They were miserable.
After many years of mental and physical abuse, the use of drugs and the continuous adultery by him, I just no longer cared about me. I just cared about the mental and physical well-being of our children.
I always thought I was doing the right thing by returning. I was wrong. My abuser may be gone, but the abuse still controls my life. When you’ve lived with and loved someone for a very long time, and they repeatedly told you that you were worthless, it’s very hard to find for yourself any worth.
I know if you’ve read this, so far you are probably saying in your mind, why did she stay, or I never would have stayed. As to why, I reference my post…”Why?” And I say to you, as to your leaving, I say maybe, maybe not. I’ve finally parted us for good, realizing we were always headed to this conclusion.
When you are living in an abusive relationship, it becomes your whole world. It is very hard to see any way out of it. I thought my only way out would be with my death. He had complete control over every part of my existence. On average, a woman in an abusive relationship will leave her abuser, sometimes as many as 11 times before its over.
I guess I’m one of those average women.